Justin Bieber Doesn't Even Like Boobs

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Tonight marks the night of one of our country’s greatest annual traditions: The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. We take our nation’s best and finest, strip them of most of their clothes, and adorn them in exceedingly ridiculous papier-mâché wings under the guise of calling the whole show “art”.

As this tradition grew, we of course had to involve celebrities and whatever pop music is currently famous at the moment. Last year we had Kanye West and Jay-Z at the height of their fame with that song about Paris that got infinite air time on the radio despite censoring 60% of the lyrics.
This year we get a little less lucky. A lot less lucky. Justin Bieber has been chosen as one of the headliners of the show.

I don’t usually like to jump on the “I hate Bieber” train as it’s been played out way past its prime (Bieber’s a Canadian, Bieber’s a lesbian, etc, I get it), and he’s typically stayed out of my way. But this time he’s directly interfering with a national pasttime.

There is literally no demographic that will be 100% happy with this show. Women who watch this show for the bra ideas and platonic female-body admiring will be annoyed by the shrill whining in the background.

More importantly though, men who watch this show for the boobs will be furious at having to share mindspace with the rodent from the north. Let’s be real, we don’t have a lot of brain space to spare, and we need to devote the absolute maximum amount of it to focusing on the events on screen. The thought of having little Bieber prancing around the angels will shatter the experience.

I’m not sure which marketing genius signed off on this idea. It certainly won’t help drive sales of Victoria’s Secrets bras, as the only people who truly like Justin Bieber are about four years from hitting puberty and being able to actually wear the bras they sell.

The only rationale I can think of for this decision was that Kanye probably harassed one of the models last year, and they wanted to bring someone in who was less likely to scare the fragile women (Bieber only mates in summer, he’s docile this time of year). Regardless, I am not pleased.
And that’s my rant for the day.

Love,
Kevin


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