Fuzzy February: A RetrospectiveCreated 2013-03-02T22:00:57Z - Kevin Crane
About halfway through February, I realized that I hadn't shaved yet this month. This is a somewhat common occurrence for me. As cataloged in A Treatise on Beards, I'm facial hair-deficient.
This is a mixed blessing for me. On the one hand, I can get away with shaving only once a week. On the other hand, I will never truly be a man.
I mean, in most regards I am still the premier male on the planet, but let's pretend for a minute that beards are really important.
Anyway, once I made this realization that I still had a thin layer of stubble two weeks into February, I decided to just keep it for the rest of the month. Realistically, this is only because I decided on an alliterative name for the occasion: Fuzzy February. I decided this was better than Febru-hairy as suggested by some friends because I knew it was too ambitious to hope to be hairy in only 4 weeks of not shaving.
I stand here at the end of my ordeal with the most facial hair I have ever had in my life, and I want to take this opportunity for reflection.
First of all, I have one of those beards that looks really good from far away. If I look in the mirror from 10-15 feet away, I admit that I admire my rugged facade a little more than usual. It brings to mind a young Abe Lincoln, full of honesty, character, and whiskey.
However, this rapidly changes the closer you get. This is clearly an incomplete work of art, a masterpiece that will probably never get finished.
My face just kind of glosses over the details of building a uniform beard, skipping sections here and working overtime there. Patches fucking galore. All around, it's about as even as the number 3.
Take for example the spot of face to the right of my chin (stage left). That shit is as barren as the Sahara, with nary a hair to be seen. Luckily other parts of my face decided that it was best to overcompensate, leaving the most random spots thicker than others (though still far shorter than the average male).
This means that perhaps it's best to put my dream of having thick and lustrous beard on hold. While this crushes me deep down, it does make basically every one of my loved ones happy. They just don't understand the raw power that accompanies a proper face-covering beard. It's part of why lumberjacks are so respected.
Oh well, Clara made for me a far superior beard anyway, though it is embarrassing that my girlfriend can make a better beard than I can.
And hey, at least this time people noticed that I had facial hair. The last time I did No-Shave November, I was definitely the only person who knew I was participating.
Summary: beard or no beard, I'm really good-looking.